It is said, Politics is the art of the plausible. If true then today’s politicians are in pretty poor shape; having fallen well below implausible. In truth, most of us have concluded that our political leaders are a bunch of crooks, whores, pimps, con-men and extortionists.
This description is not only unfair, it is fundamentally untrue despite the fact that it is prevalent at all levels of society, including the politicians themselves. The problem is education. Universities teach too much theory and too little practice.
We should take a page from the Bauhaus School of architecture, where rather than concentrating on the history of architecture and the beautiful buildings of ancient Rome and Athens, architectural students were taught the tools of their trade — carpentry, masonry, welding, etc.
With practical education our future political leaders will learn not only what they must do, but more importantly, how to do it and do it well.
The following is a simple draft of a student politician’s curriculum. Doubtless, more qualified experts will refine my efforts.
1. Elementary Pick Pocketing: Required for all students:
a. Students will learn how to steal money from unwary citizens without being noticed.
b. Students will learn to be more focused and more importantly to become more discerning in their choice of victims, avoiding the strong and powerful who may effect retribution
c. Most importantly, these are vital skills for those who fail to become senior political leaders and therefore must rely on petty theft to augment their meager official salaries.
2. Elementary Prostitution: Required for all students
a. Students will learn to commit distasteful acts necessary to move up in their careers.
b. Students will learn the benefits of selling a commodity of which they have an inexhaustible supply
c. Students will learn that in life there are no friends, only johns
d. Student will learn the need to start literally at the bottom
3. Intermediate pimping: Required for those wishing to specialize in government administration
a. Students will learn the basics of human resource management
b. Students will also learn how to convince the naïve and gullible that prostitution is a worthy career
NB: A special seminar in elements of Blackmail will be offered to those with natural talents
4. Intermediate Confidence Games and Scamming: Suggested for all students with a serious interest in a career in legislature
a. Students will learn elements of oration including the following:
i. Making promises they know, they will never keep
ii. Convincing their audience that they will keep those promises even though the audience knows those promises will never be kept.
b. Students will learn how to blame others for the mistakes that they themselves make
5. Advanced bribery: Open only to senior students who have displayed true leadership potential
a. Maximizing under the table receipts
i. Selling oneself to the highest bidder
ii. Selling oneself as often as possible
iii. Accepting payoff from both sides of the dispute
b. Proving to others that bribery and corruption are necessary parts of honest government
From the skill sets shown above, we can see that our current view of our government leaders is incorrect
While it is certainly true that all politicians are crooks and whores, very few have the skill, experience and the ability necessary to become qualified pimps, con-men or extortionists. Only advanced tertiary eduction can fill this all important competency gap.
Finally it is very wrong to slander people trying hard to make a living, albeit illegally, by placing them in the same category as politicians. I, for one would be most aggrieved to be called dirty politician. Should anyone have the need to insult me I would prefer being called prostitute, conman or even extortionist. The connotation is better