The current drought — the worst in 50 years — affecting the U.S. mid-west has caused serious problems, none greater than the relationship between the honest, hardworking, g-d fearing farmers and the almighty.
Why has G-d this inflicted this 11th plague on his newly chosen people? And more importantly, how does this drought affect our belief in global warming — that insidious lie created by Satan and scientists who we all know to be his wicked disciples.
Right thinking Christian leaders have come up with several reasonable explanations.
1. There is no drought. Since the cause of drought is global warming and as we all know global warming does not exist, there can be no drought. This is just a case of mass hallucination brought on by G-d to test the righteous. We must hold fast and like Abraham turn our eyes from the wilting crops, lest we turn into pillars of salt.
2. There is a drought, but drought is good. The bible tells us that every 50th years must be declared a Jubilee Year — a time when no crops are reaped. This is a time of relaxation and replenishment. G-d fearing farmers should look out at the their dead crops and rejoice, for once again we have living proof of the goodness of G-d.
3. There is a drought but no lack of rain. In fact it rains every day, but only when we are not looking. The revealed truth is that when on February 22 4004bc G-d created the Earth, he installed a very large bathtub stopper in his new Zion — the U.S. bible belt — which every night opens to drink up the rain of the day, which we have not seen. The solution lies with us.
a. We must all pray for guidance, to lead us to G-d’s holy bathtub stopper;
b. Me must bring together the true enemies of G-d: the left wing pinko commie liberals scum, the atheists, the homosexuals, the anti-gun lobby, the entire Democratic party, together with the other whelps of the Satan;
c. We must push them down deep into G-d’s great bathtub drain;
d. Just as the Israelites could not enter the holy land with the non-believers, so to must the earth swallow up these modern days Korachs.
Surely this is a time of joy. A time of Christian charity, that is once we kill of those who disagree.